chilling

Apparently I was leaving a little love note for myself via my last post. The very next day, I was sent a very bad experience. My puppy, who I loved dearly, was attacked by a Mastiff. My puppy was maybe 10 pounds and 5 months old. The Mastiff was about 100 pounds and 1 1/2 years old. My little guy didn't stand a chance. Neither did I. I tried to fight to save my pup and you can imagine how that turned out. The other dog did not turn on me, but I got a bunch of puncture wounds and scratches on my hands as a result.

It's been over a week and I still well up with tears at the memory. Sometimes they even spill over. I've been hit with a bit of the 'why me's and I'm fighting to find the lesson, the up-side, anything that will make this experience worth something in the grand scheme of life. Part of me thinks that nothing will make it valuable - it was a loss, plain and simple. Another part of me thinks that my puppy may have saved my brother's kids (this was a rescue dog that had recently been brought into the family).

It's very hard. The best advice I've been getting has of course been from the head honcho of my Lodge. She's a very loving and intelligent person. This is a step on my path and for some reason I had to have this experience. Truthfully, I wish it hadn't had to be like that. My heart is broken over a being that I loved, a perfect little bit of life, and it was a horrifying thing to witness.

Here I am, crying again. It's the first time today, so I suppose I have to recognize that I'm dealing with it a bit better as time goes on.

My boyfriend (not a Mason) has been surprisingly philosophical about the whole thing. Of course I knew he had it in him, but it's amazing to hear the words come out as he's not much of a talker. He said that sometimes he wonders if he's not allowed to be happy because it seems he's always getting kicked in the face. However, he has realized that the only way to live is to accept the things that happen and to move on as best you can because being angry or sad all the time is no way to live.

Something that gets in the way of acceptance is blame. I have struggled to not blame myself. I relied on my five year old nephew to hold the puppy while I went out back to see the big dogs. I should have known to be more careful and put the puppy somewhere safe. However, hind sight is 20-20. I wasn't being reckless. My nephew had held the puppy many times before and been able to keep him contained. This time it didn't work out that way. Neither one of us is to blame, it just happened. Looking back there were things I could have done. I now know what that dog was capable of... I never would have imagined that, even though I didn't trust him to be up close and personal with my pup, he was capable of killing another dog. I thought my puppy might get stepped on or nipped, not killed. I had no idea this could happen.

I need to ditch the second-guessing and attempted assignment of blame in order to accept that this thing happened. It was the way it was. I experienced what I experienced. I got out relatively unscathed and my hands are healed to the point where they are not so tender anymore. While I miss my little puppy so much and wish he was here with us, the fact is that he isn't. I will survive. I'm going to cry occasionally. It was quite the thing to go through. I wouldn't be me if it didn't hurt.

I think about the world. Science, souls, after life, all of that. I have a few theories.

1) I believe in Newton's third law of thermodynamics: matter (aka energy) can neither be created nor destroyed.
2) All matter is energy, therefore our soul (physical, metaphysical, whatever form it takes) cannot be destroyed.
3) If what makes us essentially *us* cannot be destroyed, we have to go somewhere after death when we are done with our physical bodies.
4) In this afterlife I will be with those that I love. The loss is temporary and tied to this plane of existence.
5) Anyone who says animals don't have a soul, well... I know they are wrong. All you have to do is look into their eyes to see it. We are animals too, remember.

Reminder: none of this is Masonic doctrine. We are not told what to think or believe, we are challenged to develop our own minds and expand our knowledge in order to understand truth in our own way. This is all my brain spinning away and trying to make sense out of the [seeming] chaos.

I am trying to make sense out of this and accept reality. It's not always pretty, but truth is all there is. On top of the traumatic loss of my puppy, my brother has been scaring the bejeezus out of me and my family. He has very little control over his emotions (especially anger) and has been threatening to kill himself. The latest incident was 6 days after my pup died. I couldn't bear it if he went that route. Okay, wait. I could bear it. I know I would live on after that. However, it would be brutal and devastating and I don't want to find out how it would feel. I've been putting a lot of energy into talking to him, giving him my doctor's appointment and convincing him to consider medication, consider therapy, whatever it may take for him to build some skills to deal with his life, some sort of stop-gap to create a space of calm so he can make healthier choices. There are moments where that is very stressful, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is my baby brother and I won't let him slog through this alone. I know he needs me.

Thanks for the foreshadowing, self. Now if we could think of some good things and make them happen, that would be glorious. I would really appreciate the opportunity to be happy and relaxed for a little while, okay? I know all of this is building my character or whatever (I can't discount that, I know these experiences are important), but just like my brother I need a little breathing room. Maybe a vacation in a tropical location. Please put that on the list.