Summer Workshop 2010

I'm feeling a bit different about the world right now. It's nothing that I can define, nor do I feel the need to go there. I had a fantastic time in Larkspur. There were some tears (of sorrow, for my fellow Masons who lost a beloved friend and were weeping during his Masonic funeral... which was fantastic, by the way, I'm so going that route! Also of joy when I had a very special moment of my very own) but it was all-around amazing.

I just love the people. I felt it even more this time at workshop than last. I was in the Wycherly guest house which not only has dorms, but also the kitchen and dining areas. It's a pretty crazy place sometimes with over 70 people attending workshop this year. Can you imagine even 40 people talking all at once? I had to take a few sanity breaks before I was completely overwhelmed.

I feel very under-read. I met this one gentleman named Qamar who has read so much it boggles the mind, especially when you consider he just turned 30. He has researched so many religions and ancient civilizations and he has all this information just crammed into his brain. Any subject that came up and it was, "in Babylon..." etc, etc. I told him he needs to start a blog and have a reading suggestion list. I would love to get my hands on the bibliographies in his brain!

I accidentally got some extra time with Maximo (he teaches the newbies, or as he would say, he hangs out and talks) and it was awesome. It was the same dialogue as last year (the troublemaker is very Socratic in his discussions and he seems to delight in forcing you to figure things out yourself by poking and prodding you) and I'm glad I was there because there was so much that I had forgotten. It helped me by reinforcing the idea of creating a barrier between yourself and the outer world and deciding what you allow through. We have that power and so few of us realize... it was a great reminder.

I got a chance to chat with one of our oldest members, Nellie. She is a very interesting person. She was a hero in the Korean war - she flew planes. Yes, a woman pilot, way back then... she was the only woman out of 100 people in her unit and luckily had a very wise, open-minded group leader who thought gender was not relevant to the job. I would love more time to talk to her, I'm thinking of starting a snail mail correspondence. She was sweet enough to give me a gift certificate to the book store at headquarters. I had hoped to ask her to put an inscription in the book I bought, but perhaps next year. There is another lady, Ursula, who is an elder member. I find it so frustrating as her hearing is poor and it is next to impossible to have a discussion with her. I found out from others that she has two PhDs... I'd love to chat with her a bit. I tried at one point, but even speaking very close to her ear, it was difficult and it must have been extra frustrating for her! Or perhaps she enjoys the silence, it can get pretty loud when we all get going.

Then there was Tony and Lisa (and her parrot Sheba, of course). They are such great people. And bird. Sheba really liked me, she even sat on my head. Tony has quite a few tumors and it is amazing how he just smiles through life and looks on the bright side. I'm so thankful he came this year and last, because visiting with him is an absolute joy. I didn't have much opportunity last year to visit with Lisa, but this year was different and she is a great lady. Next year hopefully they can make the whole workshop so we can have more time together.

I also got a really good roommate, Riley. She is a newbie and it was a little tough as there are certain things I couldn't discuss with her (and wouldn't want to as it would take something from her to do so) but we had fun hanging out together and she was very cool, she even let me use her phone to get on the internet as there is no wireless for my iTouch and the internet there is pretty sketchy.

I just loved it, if you haven't got that already, haha! I went for a week after that to visit a friend in Portland and I think the order should have been reversed. It's a bit tough on a person to go from an environment where everyone is discussing esoteric subjects and it's a vegetarian, drug-free, alcohol-free, swearing-free environment back into 'real life' where things do not travel in that vein. It was a pretty huge culture shock and I would have liked to have more time for introspection after my week in Larkspur. I have that opportunity now, but my brain is still a little bit frazzled and I think it will take a few days to settle down. I'm sure things are at work within me, I don't necessarily have to be conscious of them to reap the benefits.

Now off to bed. :)

Lodge

I'm very excited to go to Lodge this weekend. Unfortunately it's a long commute - 16.5 hours drive, all told. I love being in Lodge, so it's a difficult situation being such a distance away. I can often find good prices on flights, but that takes planning ahead so on this occasion it will be me, my vehicle, and the open road.

I like to drive, but the distance is a bit daunting. I will drive 14 hours on Thursday and stay with my aunt for the night. Then I will take off early on Friday to arrive at my gracious hosts' home to love up on their dog (she smiles! I love her) and do some studying with my fellow Masons. I have two Masons here in town with me which is awesome, but it will be very cool to bring some new brains into the mix. *grin* I'm very excited to see my people; they are absolutely lovely and so welcoming. They feel like family.

I just finished the rough sketch of a mini-paper I have to write. I always feel a bit shy about these things, like I'm afraid that it won't be good enough. My answer to this? I tend to do a shabby job. Does this make sense? No. This time I'm not leaving it until [quite] the last minute and will give myself time to ponder and polish. I'm a work in progress.

Life has been chipping away at me lately. I suppose it's up to me to decide if I'm going to take a beautiful shape after it's all through or whether I'll be a puddle of mopey ectoplasm. I think the beautiful shape is preferable, I have chosen that. Sometimes it would be so much easier to give up the ghost and disintegrate. Sigh.

I have to do a thing for Lodge, a task. I've seen it done many times, I think it's beautiful (don't know if I can discuss this, so I must remain vague), and I know I will love doing it... but it's scary. Especially as I haven't been in Lodge since October (I'm pretty sure that's when I was last there) and my memory is rusty. My teachers have been working with me, but still - gah. There is a lot of remembering to do for this meeting, and not as much practicing for the task as I would like, but such is life.

I got into an interesting internet discussion about Freemasonry and secrecy today. It's always a bit of a dance to convey the main idea of Masonry without giving away more than one should. The general consensus seems to be that people mistrust the secrecy. I understand to a certain extent. There are times when I dislike secrecy immensely, in relationships for example. That way lies trouble. However, in the arena of Masonry, I don't have an issue with it. Wait, did I already talk about this? I will check. Sort of... basically it was the babble about waiting for knowledge. It's an idea that is difficult to convey to someone who has not committed to waiting for something without knowing what it is.

It does sound a little loony, doesn't it? It's all about trust. I wouldn't have been brought to Masonry if I wasn't meant to have the experience. Some people come and go, and that is what they are meant to do. Perhaps they aren't ready for it, perhaps it's not what they needed. To me it was like an answered call - I had been looking for this a long time before I found it. Religion looked interesting from the outside in and I could see the perks of having that kind of faith, but the entire package was not right for me. Masonry fits me like a glove. There may be things that chafe here and there over time, but that remains to be seen.

I feel happy just thinking about it. That's nice. Happy is good. Good night to you!

chilling

Apparently I was leaving a little love note for myself via my last post. The very next day, I was sent a very bad experience. My puppy, who I loved dearly, was attacked by a Mastiff. My puppy was maybe 10 pounds and 5 months old. The Mastiff was about 100 pounds and 1 1/2 years old. My little guy didn't stand a chance. Neither did I. I tried to fight to save my pup and you can imagine how that turned out. The other dog did not turn on me, but I got a bunch of puncture wounds and scratches on my hands as a result.

It's been over a week and I still well up with tears at the memory. Sometimes they even spill over. I've been hit with a bit of the 'why me's and I'm fighting to find the lesson, the up-side, anything that will make this experience worth something in the grand scheme of life. Part of me thinks that nothing will make it valuable - it was a loss, plain and simple. Another part of me thinks that my puppy may have saved my brother's kids (this was a rescue dog that had recently been brought into the family).

It's very hard. The best advice I've been getting has of course been from the head honcho of my Lodge. She's a very loving and intelligent person. This is a step on my path and for some reason I had to have this experience. Truthfully, I wish it hadn't had to be like that. My heart is broken over a being that I loved, a perfect little bit of life, and it was a horrifying thing to witness.

Here I am, crying again. It's the first time today, so I suppose I have to recognize that I'm dealing with it a bit better as time goes on.

My boyfriend (not a Mason) has been surprisingly philosophical about the whole thing. Of course I knew he had it in him, but it's amazing to hear the words come out as he's not much of a talker. He said that sometimes he wonders if he's not allowed to be happy because it seems he's always getting kicked in the face. However, he has realized that the only way to live is to accept the things that happen and to move on as best you can because being angry or sad all the time is no way to live.

Something that gets in the way of acceptance is blame. I have struggled to not blame myself. I relied on my five year old nephew to hold the puppy while I went out back to see the big dogs. I should have known to be more careful and put the puppy somewhere safe. However, hind sight is 20-20. I wasn't being reckless. My nephew had held the puppy many times before and been able to keep him contained. This time it didn't work out that way. Neither one of us is to blame, it just happened. Looking back there were things I could have done. I now know what that dog was capable of... I never would have imagined that, even though I didn't trust him to be up close and personal with my pup, he was capable of killing another dog. I thought my puppy might get stepped on or nipped, not killed. I had no idea this could happen.

I need to ditch the second-guessing and attempted assignment of blame in order to accept that this thing happened. It was the way it was. I experienced what I experienced. I got out relatively unscathed and my hands are healed to the point where they are not so tender anymore. While I miss my little puppy so much and wish he was here with us, the fact is that he isn't. I will survive. I'm going to cry occasionally. It was quite the thing to go through. I wouldn't be me if it didn't hurt.

I think about the world. Science, souls, after life, all of that. I have a few theories.

1) I believe in Newton's third law of thermodynamics: matter (aka energy) can neither be created nor destroyed.
2) All matter is energy, therefore our soul (physical, metaphysical, whatever form it takes) cannot be destroyed.
3) If what makes us essentially *us* cannot be destroyed, we have to go somewhere after death when we are done with our physical bodies.
4) In this afterlife I will be with those that I love. The loss is temporary and tied to this plane of existence.
5) Anyone who says animals don't have a soul, well... I know they are wrong. All you have to do is look into their eyes to see it. We are animals too, remember.

Reminder: none of this is Masonic doctrine. We are not told what to think or believe, we are challenged to develop our own minds and expand our knowledge in order to understand truth in our own way. This is all my brain spinning away and trying to make sense out of the [seeming] chaos.

I am trying to make sense out of this and accept reality. It's not always pretty, but truth is all there is. On top of the traumatic loss of my puppy, my brother has been scaring the bejeezus out of me and my family. He has very little control over his emotions (especially anger) and has been threatening to kill himself. The latest incident was 6 days after my pup died. I couldn't bear it if he went that route. Okay, wait. I could bear it. I know I would live on after that. However, it would be brutal and devastating and I don't want to find out how it would feel. I've been putting a lot of energy into talking to him, giving him my doctor's appointment and convincing him to consider medication, consider therapy, whatever it may take for him to build some skills to deal with his life, some sort of stop-gap to create a space of calm so he can make healthier choices. There are moments where that is very stressful, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is my baby brother and I won't let him slog through this alone. I know he needs me.

Thanks for the foreshadowing, self. Now if we could think of some good things and make them happen, that would be glorious. I would really appreciate the opportunity to be happy and relaxed for a little while, okay? I know all of this is building my character or whatever (I can't discount that, I know these experiences are important), but just like my brother I need a little breathing room. Maybe a vacation in a tropical location. Please put that on the list.

life lessons

An interesting thing about my new mindset, new way of looking at the world, is that I notice things and think about them in a different way. It used to be, "Why me?!?!" and now it's more, "What am I supposed to be learning here?"

3 weeks ago I was laid off. My contract was coming to an end and I knew it was a possibility, but had a bit of hope that they might see how fantastic I am and not want to lose me as an employee. These things may have been the case, but budgetary constraints rule the world these days.

I won't say it hasn't been hard and I haven't felt down, bored, and lonely at times. However, when I focus on Masonry, study, talk with my mentors, etc, I feel excitement at what is to come. I realize that my life is being opened up for something better. Doubt only creeps in when my mind becomes idle. If I focus on good things and good thoughts, I feel great.

The funny thing is that I've had some pretty crummy experiences. Daddy issues which led to BAD relationship choices, letting men take advantage of me, letting men treat me like shit. Every time something crappy happened and I went through pain which drove me to leave, I would meet another guy that was a bit of a jerk, but not so bad as the last, and it's improved more and more as time went on. My employment experience has been much the same. Every job has been progressively better, the ending has been more positive, and even more so if I have had the sense to leave before things got ugly.

I suppose I could look at these events in my life and focus on how tough things have been, but I don't. I mean, on some level I suppose I feel I've had a smidge more than my fair share (until I think about others who have had worse) of hard times, but when it comes down to it, I know that every experience was for a reason. Since things are improving over time, I must be learning the lessons I need to learn. That's a comfort. Even knowing to look at it like that is a comfort.

I've never been a religion person (fyi, Freemasonry is not a religion) but I've also thought it must be nice to have the comfort it affords. I'm feeling pretty thankful to have a little piece of that for myself, and having it be based on something that I can see and understand.

opened eyes

First things first. I had heard about Masons my whole life and had no idea what they were. I understood stone cutting masons, but I had no idea what this mysterious creature, the Freemason, was. All I knew was that only men could be a Freemason. So I figured, if I can't be one, I don't really need to know that much.

Then I met a lady, and slowly our conversations started to gravitate towards philosophical topics. She knew a lot and I always enjoyed our talks. Over time the things she was discussing with me seemed to be pointing towards there being some group in which she was involved. I asked her what she was talking about and she said Freemasonry. Of course I said, "but you're a female!" She just laughed. It turns out that all of those silly masculine Masons were perpetuating a mistaken belief. Women could be Masons and there were many out there.

I applied to the Honorable Order of American Co-Masonry in December of 2008. My first time in Lodge was in February of 2009. It was pretty cool, a bit unnerving, but a great experience.

One thing to note is the use of the word "American." This does not mean the USA alone, it means the Americas, i.e. South, Central, and North. There are Lodges all over the place. There are many more masculine Lodges, but my personal opinion is that this is due to masculine Masons being far more inclined to recruiting, while this Co-Masonic order tends to wait for the people to show up. When I was at headquarters, I had the opportunity of looking around the library and there was all kinds of memorabilia. The earliest documentation I found was for 1916, I believe, showing the Order's status as a not-for-profit organization, so they've been around for quite a while.

You can find all kinds of things all over the internet in regards to Masonry. Some Orders seem to be free with information that would be considered protected in Co-Masonry. It's a bit shocking to me what you see out there in books (I've stayed away from internet searches). For my level of knowledge, there are certain things that even I should not be reading and I've had to put down more than one book when it was going places I was pretty sure I wasn't ready for.

I have an easy time with this idea of waiting to be exposed to knowledge. Partially because I have an innate belief that growth is required before going certain places and partially because I am also a Reiki student. In Reiki you are not supposed to 'read ahead,' so to speak. There is nothing to be gained by accessing knowledge that is not given to you in due time. You may see certain symbols and be able to 'learn' them, but they will have no meaning and thus no power. I would rather wait, personally.

Not to mention that you don't know if you're getting the truth or if it's tainted or full-on bullshit. :)

Masonry is all about becoming the best person you can be. So far it's been exactly what I was waiting for in my life. No religion made sense, but I knew there had to be something out there that would connect me with my higher self and present me with steps to mold myself into a truer reflection of that inner, divine being. I look forward to working towards that self and documenting what I can discuss.